"Winter" is coming this Summer
So, last week I had physical therapy... I didn't have PT in the way I have had the last couple of times, I had PT in a way that I didn't know existed. It was torture.
I am not exaggerating. I know I needed it. I know I benefited from it. I am so grateful for it. But, HOLY FUCKING SHIT THAT WAS NOT REAL.
I got through my hell bone-impacted wisdom teeth being extracted when I was 18, I got through the super creepiness of my lasik (DO NOT TOUCH MY EYEBALLS), I got through my pitocin filled labor and childbirth (caving to the epidural about 12 hours in), I got through the recovery of that horrid, horrid time that my lovely surgeon hacked both of my boobs off my bod, but I have NEVER experienced more pain in my entire life, than I did last Friday. Hands down.
As it turns out, I have axillary webbing, also called cording, and it's the most horridly painful of bitches. Really, really terrible. It's also not really that serious, which is absolutely amazing. It just FEELS so damn serious. Don't we always want the things that hurt us the most to be something that really means something? I definitely do need to get it worked out and I absolutely have to deal with it before it gets worse, or it will definitely get worse, but as long as I do... I'll be completely fine.
But, oh man. The session consisted of getting tortured in a way I didn't think would ever provide benefit and I went through the creepiest and quickest set of extreme emotions - straight up pain, laughter even though it was really not funny and then uncontrollable sobbing. Like HARD sobbing. She got me tissues, I soaked the tissues. I tried to talk... and then I stopped trying. I left there bruised and with some wonky bits of my former old and clumpy mascara, but I managed to deal. Barely.
Life has been interesting for the past couple of weeks. It's been a lot of us just sort of getting through it lately, probably not in the most stellar way possible, but definitely managing and with some really beautiful times. Aside from my physical therapy, we had a really beautiful Mother's Day, I had an expander appointment the next week (to get my boobs filled up a bit!) and I'm still working my actual job and prepping for chemo, etc.
I'm noticing a distinct tired feeling the evening of, or day after, PT. It's not surprising that it's pretty hard to stretch, perform movement, be massaged, etc. in ways that I haven't in quite a while and in ways that are physically exhausting and painful. Now that my chest muscle has been relocated to the top of my expanders, I feel engagement of the muscle in a way I never have. I was REALLY lucky that I never physically understood the need for those muscle relaxer meds after I was first home from surgery. I haven't taken them since I was first home, but I definitely now know what the hell they were for.
I'm tired every day, I'm sore, I'm sad, I'm scared, I'm grateful, etc. But, mostly, right now is a tiny bit "calm" and I am taking advantage. The fucking "winter" is coming this summer, so this little bit of reprieve is appreciated.
I am not exaggerating. I know I needed it. I know I benefited from it. I am so grateful for it. But, HOLY FUCKING SHIT THAT WAS NOT REAL.
I got through my hell bone-impacted wisdom teeth being extracted when I was 18, I got through the super creepiness of my lasik (DO NOT TOUCH MY EYEBALLS), I got through my pitocin filled labor and childbirth (caving to the epidural about 12 hours in), I got through the recovery of that horrid, horrid time that my lovely surgeon hacked both of my boobs off my bod, but I have NEVER experienced more pain in my entire life, than I did last Friday. Hands down.
As it turns out, I have axillary webbing, also called cording, and it's the most horridly painful of bitches. Really, really terrible. It's also not really that serious, which is absolutely amazing. It just FEELS so damn serious. Don't we always want the things that hurt us the most to be something that really means something? I definitely do need to get it worked out and I absolutely have to deal with it before it gets worse, or it will definitely get worse, but as long as I do... I'll be completely fine.
But, oh man. The session consisted of getting tortured in a way I didn't think would ever provide benefit and I went through the creepiest and quickest set of extreme emotions - straight up pain, laughter even though it was really not funny and then uncontrollable sobbing. Like HARD sobbing. She got me tissues, I soaked the tissues. I tried to talk... and then I stopped trying. I left there bruised and with some wonky bits of my former old and clumpy mascara, but I managed to deal. Barely.
Life has been interesting for the past couple of weeks. It's been a lot of us just sort of getting through it lately, probably not in the most stellar way possible, but definitely managing and with some really beautiful times. Aside from my physical therapy, we had a really beautiful Mother's Day, I had an expander appointment the next week (to get my boobs filled up a bit!) and I'm still working my actual job and prepping for chemo, etc.
I'm noticing a distinct tired feeling the evening of, or day after, PT. It's not surprising that it's pretty hard to stretch, perform movement, be massaged, etc. in ways that I haven't in quite a while and in ways that are physically exhausting and painful. Now that my chest muscle has been relocated to the top of my expanders, I feel engagement of the muscle in a way I never have. I was REALLY lucky that I never physically understood the need for those muscle relaxer meds after I was first home from surgery. I haven't taken them since I was first home, but I definitely now know what the hell they were for.
I'm tired every day, I'm sore, I'm sad, I'm scared, I'm grateful, etc. But, mostly, right now is a tiny bit "calm" and I am taking advantage. The fucking "winter" is coming this summer, so this little bit of reprieve is appreciated.
I am putting together a long list of questions for my chemo teaching this thursday at my oncologist's office, making a list of chemo "hacks" and tips and seriously attempting to respond to all of the wonderful people who have reached out and sent me amazing notes, texts, cards and care packages. To all of my lovelies, THANK YOU! I'm on the super snail path to getting back to everyone, but you are all so, so appreciated.
xo.
xo.
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