Sometimes the day you're having isn't the day you want to be having

I'm feeling my pain today. I have been trying hard to adapt to it over the last two weeks. To make it a part of me, rather than something happening to me, so it doesn't surprise me with every move I make. I move differently now - I shower differently from knowing how much pain I will be in when washing my chest and under my arms, so, now I do that last so that I can grab my towel and take a minute for the pain to settle before needing to do anything else. I open doors by attempting to use my wrists and forearms rather than pulling on it with my whole arm, so I don't engage my chest if it's a heavy door. I open our kitchen cabinets by standing on my toes, so I don't have to reach up too high. I carry my purse on the right, because I can't carry it on the left due to having some lymph nodes removed on that side. It's created a bit more pain and I'm a bit weaker.

In the big picture I'm figuring it out, but today I'm not.

I'm sad and I hurt. My plastic surgeon is beyond words and I'm so lucky that my scars are small and healing well, but today I wish they weren't. I wish my scars were massive, so that I could have more of a visual understanding of how I'm currently feeling.

I sobbed a lot of the day and our bed isn't made. We just moved and haven't yet hung art on the bedroom wall, so I'm definitely not the only mess in this picture...But, scars. Scars from removing my lymph nodes, scars from my drains and scars from that whole bilateral mastectomy thing. They are healing and they are small and I am grateful. But this still sucks.

I've been sleeping on my back, as directed, for the past 2 weeks (2 of 6) even though I'm naturally a die-hard side sleeper, so my quality of sleep isn't good and I'm struggling, while simultaneously doing as well as can probably be expected. I wake up every 5 seconds, I can't turn over and I end up super stiff throughout my whole body from never switching my position for the entire night.

I was prescribed multiple medications after I left the hospital so that I would be able to manage the pain, but they never worked for me (par for the course for my life) and I stopped taking them, regularly, very early on. When I was recently allowed to start taking advil, I discontinued them completely and am taking advil every 6 or 8 hours, which occasionally takes the edge off of the pain or stiffness.

I'm also struggling with my numbness. I can't tell what's comfortable anymore. My skin will become red or irritated if I wear something irritating, but without sensation to let me know, well, I don't. I'm winding up in the evenings with marks on my skin and thinking back to how something like that would have made me feel prior to surgery - really uncomfortable. We've all worn things that were too tight, too itchy, things that rubbed or fabrics that irritated, but now I'm really uncomfortable because I can't feel when something is irritating and that's a little creepy and terrifying. I finally felt well enough to try things on yesterday, so I'm hoping this, at least, won't continue to be an issue.

And before anyone thinks any further about whether or not I can be in pain AND be numb - yes, it's a thing. I feel as though someone took a hammer to my underarms and my sides and chest and then decided to sit on my chest, creating intense pain and pressure with every breath, sneeze, cough, laugh and cry. I think it's bodily trauma of the surgery and the muscle being pulled up to make room for my expanders underneath, but while I can internally feel that, I can't feel my actual boobs. Well, I guess the skin on my interim boobs... and they are still entirely bruised (but healing!) and I can't feel it at all. It's a mindfuck.

But, perspective and compartmentalizing are things I am trying to become better at. I do know that today is a difficult day. This isn't a new, more negative, attitude. This isn't sudden bad news. This isn't anything other than a difficult day. But it IS something to talk about. When times are the most difficult, when devastation happens within a life or a family, the things that are most heard are "Stay strong" and "Be positive".

But, no.

I can't appreciate the sentiment more, because I KNOW my friends and family are just so caring and amazing. But, our society values optimism over realism and there isn't anything healthy about that.


"The thing to do with feelings is make it safe to feel all of them." -Robyn Posin


xo.