On the hunt for a support group
I have started looking for support groups... General, all encompassing, groups and groups categorized by age, diagnosis, stage, belief system, etc. It's proving difficult to find distinct variety, but I'm confident that I will find/create something that works. Throughout the process, though, I got to have a really fun conversation with a woman who was gathering information and answering questions, in order to get me on the list for a particular breast cancer support group in Los Angeles:
Me: I have heard that some groups are available to people of certain stages (grouped by stages 1&2 and 3&4 cancer, etc). I'm really hoping to find a group like that - I'm wondering if that's how this group operates or you have groups like that?
Her: Oh, yeah, no, definitely not! We have only 1 group that meets every other week. It's completely open to anyone who has ever had a breast cancer diagnosis. Also, it's open to a loved one. Or a friend. Or anyone you want to bring...
Me: Oh...k.
Her: Ok, wonderful, so are you interested in any of our other groups?
Me: I'm not actually sure what other groups you offer...?
Her: Ok, no problem at all. I have everything I need. Have a great day!
Me: But... -_-
Another part of the support process is finding individual support - I've been blessed to be put in contact with multiple new friends who, unfortunately, have been down this road before. But, they've slaaaaayed it. Like, winning. Beautiful women, beautiful families, friends of friends, my husband's friends, the most genuine of people. It's been such an amazing thing to make new friends during such a SUPER SHIT time, but I could not be more grateful for it and for them.
But, the real shit show of it all? Online support groups.
I searched for some that were specific to diagnosis, location, etc. I wasn't super successful and I found a couple that were not specific, were very broad and were international. I joined. The women are beautiful, caring and so lovely. Many of the posts are so encouraging, informative and loving. Women who are in it. Many of the women also ended up being religious, with comments referencing God for daysssssssss. It wasn't the majority, but it was a STRONG mix and it was becoming a bit overwhelming for someone like me, who has lived a long life of agnosticism with a hard atheist leaning. Posts asking for research or suggestions or stories of experience were met with references to God's will, God's plan, how God is more powerful than cancer or, simply, prayers going up!
The thing is, I can really appreciate being prayed for. I know what that means and how much that means to the people praying. I know that people who know me very well, who know I don't have a religious or spiritual belief system, but they want me to know that my belief system won't stop them from holding me in their thoughts and in their heart. They will think about me during their busy life. They will ask people who don't know me, to think about me. To send their goodness out for me. That I am worthy of a minute of a stranger's time, a stranger's thoughts, a stranger's compassion and love... And there IS power in that.
What doesn't hold power is telling me that God will fix my problems, that my problems are because of God, that my diagnosis is hard, but God is stronger! What also won't help me is being told that I shouldn't be seeking help or support in the way that I know will serve me best. You can say many things about me, but you can't tell me that I don't know myself.
Case in point:
I posted an inquiry to one of the groups that I joined (the woman who runs it is WONDERFUL, btw). I asked if anyone was aware of any atheist or agnostic breast cancer groups (or any specific to age group, location, cancer subtype, diagnosis, etc.), I was VERY careful in my wording of the post, mentioning that I loved the group we were all joined to, but was just hoping for additional, targeted, support. Women responded with wonderful links to groups that I ended up joining... and women responded with why I shouldn't need the support I was seeking. I would never betray the "code" of never posting actual responses outside of a group, so there will be no verbatim quotes, but I was adamantly told why I definitely don't need the support of a non-religious group, that religion has nothing to do with any of this, that it was my issue for bringing it up, that I should realize that I should love EVERYONE even though we may not practice the same religion (or any religion at all), that I would find the only support I would need from this particular group of women whether or not they practiced religion and that if I went elsewhere, I would definitely NEVER find a group of women so dedicated to supporting me the way I needed to be supported...
Meanwhile, they didn't seem to recognize or acknowledge that they were the only handful of women, in the entire support group, who responded to my post who did not actually support me. They just tried to force me to "see" that I didn't need that support in the first place.
They also weren't amused when I pointed out the irony of them telling me that I didn't, and shouldn't, need other support while simultaneously not supporting me in the only way I was requesting.
So. This is just a reminder to listen.
To not provide rote responses to those you love and those you don't even know. To attempt to support someone in the way THEY need, not the way YOU would want, the way YOU are used to or the way YOU think they should want/need.
That whole golden rule "treat others the way you want to be treated" is complete bullshit. That leaves everyone unhappy and thinking only of themselves.
Treat others the way they want to be treated. Support others the way they need to be supported.
xo.
Me: I have heard that some groups are available to people of certain stages (grouped by stages 1&2 and 3&4 cancer, etc). I'm really hoping to find a group like that - I'm wondering if that's how this group operates or you have groups like that?
Her: Oh, yeah, no, definitely not! We have only 1 group that meets every other week. It's completely open to anyone who has ever had a breast cancer diagnosis. Also, it's open to a loved one. Or a friend. Or anyone you want to bring...
Me: Oh...k.
Her: Ok, wonderful, so are you interested in any of our other groups?
Me: I'm not actually sure what other groups you offer...?
Her: Ok, no problem at all. I have everything I need. Have a great day!
Me: But... -_-
Another part of the support process is finding individual support - I've been blessed to be put in contact with multiple new friends who, unfortunately, have been down this road before. But, they've slaaaaayed it. Like, winning. Beautiful women, beautiful families, friends of friends, my husband's friends, the most genuine of people. It's been such an amazing thing to make new friends during such a SUPER SHIT time, but I could not be more grateful for it and for them.
But, the real shit show of it all? Online support groups.
I searched for some that were specific to diagnosis, location, etc. I wasn't super successful and I found a couple that were not specific, were very broad and were international. I joined. The women are beautiful, caring and so lovely. Many of the posts are so encouraging, informative and loving. Women who are in it. Many of the women also ended up being religious, with comments referencing God for daysssssssss. It wasn't the majority, but it was a STRONG mix and it was becoming a bit overwhelming for someone like me, who has lived a long life of agnosticism with a hard atheist leaning. Posts asking for research or suggestions or stories of experience were met with references to God's will, God's plan, how God is more powerful than cancer or, simply, prayers going up!
The thing is, I can really appreciate being prayed for. I know what that means and how much that means to the people praying. I know that people who know me very well, who know I don't have a religious or spiritual belief system, but they want me to know that my belief system won't stop them from holding me in their thoughts and in their heart. They will think about me during their busy life. They will ask people who don't know me, to think about me. To send their goodness out for me. That I am worthy of a minute of a stranger's time, a stranger's thoughts, a stranger's compassion and love... And there IS power in that.
What doesn't hold power is telling me that God will fix my problems, that my problems are because of God, that my diagnosis is hard, but God is stronger! What also won't help me is being told that I shouldn't be seeking help or support in the way that I know will serve me best. You can say many things about me, but you can't tell me that I don't know myself.
Case in point:
I posted an inquiry to one of the groups that I joined (the woman who runs it is WONDERFUL, btw). I asked if anyone was aware of any atheist or agnostic breast cancer groups (or any specific to age group, location, cancer subtype, diagnosis, etc.), I was VERY careful in my wording of the post, mentioning that I loved the group we were all joined to, but was just hoping for additional, targeted, support. Women responded with wonderful links to groups that I ended up joining... and women responded with why I shouldn't need the support I was seeking. I would never betray the "code" of never posting actual responses outside of a group, so there will be no verbatim quotes, but I was adamantly told why I definitely don't need the support of a non-religious group, that religion has nothing to do with any of this, that it was my issue for bringing it up, that I should realize that I should love EVERYONE even though we may not practice the same religion (or any religion at all), that I would find the only support I would need from this particular group of women whether or not they practiced religion and that if I went elsewhere, I would definitely NEVER find a group of women so dedicated to supporting me the way I needed to be supported...
Meanwhile, they didn't seem to recognize or acknowledge that they were the only handful of women, in the entire support group, who responded to my post who did not actually support me. They just tried to force me to "see" that I didn't need that support in the first place.
They also weren't amused when I pointed out the irony of them telling me that I didn't, and shouldn't, need other support while simultaneously not supporting me in the only way I was requesting.
So. This is just a reminder to listen.
To not provide rote responses to those you love and those you don't even know. To attempt to support someone in the way THEY need, not the way YOU would want, the way YOU are used to or the way YOU think they should want/need.
That whole golden rule "treat others the way you want to be treated" is complete bullshit. That leaves everyone unhappy and thinking only of themselves.
Treat others the way they want to be treated. Support others the way they need to be supported.
xo.
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