Numb robot space boobs and a vegas state of mind
I've been home from my surgery for a few days now and it simultaneously feels like it's been forever and like it's been, roughly, 3 minutes. I'm in a lot of pain and also feeling pretty woozy and foggy from the meds I'm taking. I never take anything more than advil once a month for cramps or zyrtec for really terrible allergies, but I'm now on narcotic pain relievers and muscles relaxers, around the clock, along with antibiotics, etc.
I'm sleeping as much as possible, so my body can heal, but it also means I'm in a weird perma-vegas state and have no idea what day or time of day it even is. Yesterday morning my husband woke me up from a nap to bring me my medications and I asked him where our daughter was, thinking he had already gone to pick her up from school, he replied that she was at school and I then had a slow motion (because slow motion is my way of life right now) freakout because I thought he was going to be late picking her up by the 6pm pickup time.
It was 11:45am.
I'm finding ways to get around with as little upper body movement and strength as possible, but am also unintentionally screwing myself over on the regular by learning new things I shouldn't be doing. You know what hurts? Pulling a door closed. Pouring a glass of water from a Brita pitcher that's not even half full. Scratching my back or shoulder or wherever is itchy at the time. Brushing my teeth. Peeling an orange. Getting in and out of bed is the worst. I'm not supposed to put any pressure on my body through my arms, so I basically have to inchworm myself into a position that is even remotely comfortable and if I have to get up? It's all up to my core - which doesn't fucking exist. I can't roll in and out of bed because I can't put any pressure on my Mrs. New Boobs lovely lady lumps and I can't even turn to either side to do a roll maneuver because I have drains coming out of both sides.
The verdict is: Major thumbs down on this bitch sitch. Also, maybe I should take up Irish dancing to pass the time.
I'm very fortunate that I haven't needed help in the bathroom yet and yesterday's major milestone was an unimpressive, and not so thorough, shower. I'm still not allowed to shave, use deodorant, wear perfume, etc. so that's not fun for anyone. My poor husband.
My new boobs look pretty wonky right now, but they just went through some hacksaw hell, so I don't expect some Baywatch twins just yet...
I currently have tissue expanders in, which are basically temporary boobs. They hold the space and try to train the muscle and skin over the boobs, for a slightly more realistic look in the end. I'll go in for fills over the next couple of months to get them to whatever volume I want to stay at. The expanders are really uncomfortable, very hard and there's a lot of tightness and pressure. The drains are pretty terrible. They are uncomfortable, hurt, look weird, etc. I'm hoping to get them removed by the end of this coming week. They took out all of my actual breast tissue and some lymph nodes on the left side, but they were able to save my nipples and a lot of my skin, so we now to have wait for final pathology to determine if I will need chemo and radiation, which will also determine when I'm able to swap these expanders for the permanent implants. It will be the difference of getting the implants in the next few months or getting them closer to next Spring.
One of the strangest things so far, something I'm really not sure how to get used to, is that my boobs are completely numb and will likely remain numb for the rest of my life. There's no way to describe it other than it's really, really creepy. I have mild sensations of pain and itchiness around the surgical sites and where the drains are, but my actual boobs are completely sensation free. I found out that they would be numb pretty late in the game, but even if I had learned of the impact earlier, there's no real way to prepare yourself for something so strange. I'm very happy to have them, so I would certainly take the numbness over other options, but that doesn't lessen how completely foreign they now look AND feel.
My current clothing options consist of a lot of things that are so big or stretchy that I can pull them on from the floor or anything that opens from the front, as I am not supposed to lift my arms higher than my shoulders. Buttons and stretch are my besties right now and the post-mastectomy bra that they made such a big deal of? It's the worst. It's irritating and itchy and seems to apply pressure only in areas that hurt... and I'm supposed to wear it 24/7! I'm hoping I can switch it out for something else when I go to one of my post-op appointments with the surgeons this week, or at the very least, that it will be less irritating if I get the drains out.
I'm pretty sad some of the time, mostly because I'm having to retreat from our regular life in big and small ways. Our dog, Fernando, is approaching 17 years old and we have to carry him a good amount of the time, up and down stairs, and when he decides he is just too much of a baller to walk and just stops, anywhere he wants, mid-step, which all means that I can no longer walk him. I can't drive for several weeks to possibly a couple of months, I can't lift Evie or have her rest on me the way she used to. These expanders are like robot space boobs and feel nothing like actual breast tissue, so the soft pillowy feel is gone. Evie is so interested in the drains and wants to look at them and see what they are, which terrifies me. I want her to know and I don't want to hide things from her, but I'm also BEYOND nervous she might pull on one. It's all sort of challenging to navigate, but we are learning.
This is a picture from yesterday, 3 days out of the hospital. My
post-mastectomy bra and my drains in all their glory. It's not fun, but it's 100% real.
I'm sleeping as much as possible, so my body can heal, but it also means I'm in a weird perma-vegas state and have no idea what day or time of day it even is. Yesterday morning my husband woke me up from a nap to bring me my medications and I asked him where our daughter was, thinking he had already gone to pick her up from school, he replied that she was at school and I then had a slow motion (because slow motion is my way of life right now) freakout because I thought he was going to be late picking her up by the 6pm pickup time.
It was 11:45am.
I'm finding ways to get around with as little upper body movement and strength as possible, but am also unintentionally screwing myself over on the regular by learning new things I shouldn't be doing. You know what hurts? Pulling a door closed. Pouring a glass of water from a Brita pitcher that's not even half full. Scratching my back or shoulder or wherever is itchy at the time. Brushing my teeth. Peeling an orange. Getting in and out of bed is the worst. I'm not supposed to put any pressure on my body through my arms, so I basically have to inchworm myself into a position that is even remotely comfortable and if I have to get up? It's all up to my core - which doesn't fucking exist. I can't roll in and out of bed because I can't put any pressure on my Mrs. New Boobs lovely lady lumps and I can't even turn to either side to do a roll maneuver because I have drains coming out of both sides.
The verdict is: Major thumbs down on this bitch sitch. Also, maybe I should take up Irish dancing to pass the time.
I'm very fortunate that I haven't needed help in the bathroom yet and yesterday's major milestone was an unimpressive, and not so thorough, shower. I'm still not allowed to shave, use deodorant, wear perfume, etc. so that's not fun for anyone. My poor husband.
My new boobs look pretty wonky right now, but they just went through some hacksaw hell, so I don't expect some Baywatch twins just yet...
I currently have tissue expanders in, which are basically temporary boobs. They hold the space and try to train the muscle and skin over the boobs, for a slightly more realistic look in the end. I'll go in for fills over the next couple of months to get them to whatever volume I want to stay at. The expanders are really uncomfortable, very hard and there's a lot of tightness and pressure. The drains are pretty terrible. They are uncomfortable, hurt, look weird, etc. I'm hoping to get them removed by the end of this coming week. They took out all of my actual breast tissue and some lymph nodes on the left side, but they were able to save my nipples and a lot of my skin, so we now to have wait for final pathology to determine if I will need chemo and radiation, which will also determine when I'm able to swap these expanders for the permanent implants. It will be the difference of getting the implants in the next few months or getting them closer to next Spring.
One of the strangest things so far, something I'm really not sure how to get used to, is that my boobs are completely numb and will likely remain numb for the rest of my life. There's no way to describe it other than it's really, really creepy. I have mild sensations of pain and itchiness around the surgical sites and where the drains are, but my actual boobs are completely sensation free. I found out that they would be numb pretty late in the game, but even if I had learned of the impact earlier, there's no real way to prepare yourself for something so strange. I'm very happy to have them, so I would certainly take the numbness over other options, but that doesn't lessen how completely foreign they now look AND feel.
My current clothing options consist of a lot of things that are so big or stretchy that I can pull them on from the floor or anything that opens from the front, as I am not supposed to lift my arms higher than my shoulders. Buttons and stretch are my besties right now and the post-mastectomy bra that they made such a big deal of? It's the worst. It's irritating and itchy and seems to apply pressure only in areas that hurt... and I'm supposed to wear it 24/7! I'm hoping I can switch it out for something else when I go to one of my post-op appointments with the surgeons this week, or at the very least, that it will be less irritating if I get the drains out.
I'm pretty sad some of the time, mostly because I'm having to retreat from our regular life in big and small ways. Our dog, Fernando, is approaching 17 years old and we have to carry him a good amount of the time, up and down stairs, and when he decides he is just too much of a baller to walk and just stops, anywhere he wants, mid-step, which all means that I can no longer walk him. I can't drive for several weeks to possibly a couple of months, I can't lift Evie or have her rest on me the way she used to. These expanders are like robot space boobs and feel nothing like actual breast tissue, so the soft pillowy feel is gone. Evie is so interested in the drains and wants to look at them and see what they are, which terrifies me. I want her to know and I don't want to hide things from her, but I'm also BEYOND nervous she might pull on one. It's all sort of challenging to navigate, but we are learning.
This is a picture from yesterday, 3 days out of the hospital. My
post-mastectomy bra and my drains in all their glory. It's not fun, but it's 100% real.
You are my hero and such an inspiration!
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